Posted by admin on January 31st, 2010 in Communication, Stress

Last night I learned how to talk to my teenagers. Boy, I’ve needed that advice for a while!   Laura Kastner, Ph.D., was in the area giving talks about how parents can improve their communication with their teens.  I have to say, it was funny.  Some of the situations and phrases she described, we ALL could identify in our own families.

Eye-Rolling and Sighing

She asked the audience what phrases our teens say to us most often.  It was a rather large audience (several hundred people) but she assured us that rather quickly we would list the exact phrases she has written about in her book.  In fact, she was correct.  Here’s a list of some of things people said:

• “You’re a control freak!”
• “You’re ruining my life!”
• “But no one else has to do that!”
• “You just don’t understand”

You get the idea – we all bonded over the phrases because in varying degrees we’ve ALL had them thrown at us.  Eye-rolling, foot dragging and “Just a minute!” were examples of passive agressive behaviors also mentioned.

Brain-Science

As with other experts I’ve heard in the last few years, Dr Kastner framed her advice through her knowledge of the brain development of adolescences and young adults.  Between the ages of 13-23, kids slough off half of their grey matter in their brain.  Their brain is under constant construction in those ten years.  This is why often, their responses are based in their emotional response center (the amygdala).  And, when their amygdala is flooded with emotions (that’s the center for fear) and OUR amygdala is flooded with response – we get into a knock-down drag-out mess.

What to Do Instead?

As parents, we are instructed to put the oxygen mask on first in a plane.  The same is true for confrontations with our teens.  Calm yourself first.  Access your thinking brain (this is the frontal cortex that is not fully developed in our teens yet).  We are better able to self-control than our teens so it is our responsibility to do that first, THEN respond.  Once we are using our logical brain (weighing options, accessing damages vs. opportunities) then we can engage in a thoughtful manner with our “still-using-the-emotion-part-of-their-brain” teenager.

Strategies

Make a statement.   Then, zip it. Dr. Kastner said  parents talk too much and we justify too much.  Make a decision and end the statement – do not engage in a tit-for-tat with your teen.  She also cautioned against grounding as the sole disciplinary response to mis-behavior.  She asked us to remember that our teens are constantly wiring and re-wiring their brains; Firing=Wiring.

So, they need to be learning what they did wrong so they can wire their brains for the next time they may encounter a similar situation.  She suggests having them write out what got them in trouble and how they could have done it differently.  The act of writing helps them visualize and internalize the pathway to decisions and instead of having to talk TO parents about it (which is oftentimes humiliating) they can take their time and learn from the mistake.

She recommended saying that the punishment would vary from very low to high based on how well their child wrote their reflection piece.  So, the parent is providing an incentive to do a good, thorough job.  I thought this was a good idea.

Books

I haven’t done the talk justice in this short post, but I would highly recommend her new book, “Getting to Calm” if you are interested in learning more.  Her bio and a few of her other books are listed below:

Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D., is a clinical associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington. A psychologist and mother of two, she writes and lectures widely on adolescence and family behavior. She and Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D., have co-authored  three books, including Getting to Calm: Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens; The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting Senior Year to College Life; and The Seven Year Stretch: How families Work Together to Grow Through Adolescence.