Stumble it!Mary Pipher: Parenting Our Children
I listened to Dr Mary Pipher speak recently. Dr. Mary Pipher has a Cultural Anthropology degree and a 
Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. She has received two American Psychological Association Presidential Citations. Dr Pipher’s work combines her training in both the fields of psychology and anthropology. Her special area if interest is how American culture influences the mental health of its people She spoke to an auditorium filled with parents anxious to hear her thoughts on modern parenting. Her new book, “The Shelter of Each Other” tackles the prickly subject of how modern day parenting is affected by external advances and pressures. Dr. Pipher rose to acclaim with her book, “Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls” a bestseller for many years. Here are my notes and thoughts from her speech:
Changes in Families
Families are less supported by the culture than ever before and the world is a far more complicated place than ever before. Most parents aren’t clear on what the problems are – they end up blaming themselves and feeling guilty. The main purpose of a family in the raising of children is to teach them the values of the “tribe”. And, our country is experiencing a loss of “community”. People don’t know the names of the children in their community anymore. In fact, children are being socialized to be afraid of adults. Modern conveniences such as air conditioners and road improvements that have caused our sidewalks to disappear has supported keeping children indoors. Children no longer move around the world alone.
Having adults in the community know each other’s children helps us all to nurture other people’s children. If you don’t know a child’s name, you can’t praise them for winning the 4H contest or the band contest or catching the winning touchdown. Praise by other adults is invaluable. We are a society that is mostly interacting with machines not people.
Grandparents
In years past, extended families lived together or at least nearby in the same town or driving distance. Now grandparents are far away. Grandparents play two critical roles in the lives and development of children:
1. nurturing
2. to explain the moral rules of the tribe (family)
These days we tend to “compartmentalize” the ages; young stay with the young etc. There needs to be more mixing of the generations so that the younger children could be nurtured by and guided by the older generation.
What Kinds of Kids Are We Raising?
NPR recently reported that 87% of incoming college students have never shared a room before arriving on campus. 50% have never shared a bathroom. How much adjustment do you think that will take? We are also raising children being raised up in an electronic community. How enveloping is that influence? Ironic that many parents will scrutinize the teachers their child has or the friends and homes their child frequents, but never closely examines where their child goes on the computer and who they speak and spend time with in “cyber-space”.
They are being educated about sex via television. That vision of sex is tawdry and sleazy; where actions are divorced from consequences. Sex = disconnection. The television is the story-teller of our age. Advertising on television supports the idea that the viewer is the center of the universe and they “deserve” (narcissistic) whatever they want- NOW. The cumulative effect is a dis-satisfied, narcissistic individual who never learns to delay gratification and gain self-discipline.
We All Have a Time Famine
The time “crunch” we all feel is more serious than our current economic problems. We all feel guilty at the end of the day because we have a myriad of ways we are supposed to stay in touch and when we don’t have the time, we feel guilty. So, we speed up. Velocity is not the answer to complexity. We are all rushing around to “get things done” and we are really speeding each other up. This goes against ancient mammalian rhythms. Look at cows, horses; any animal really. They operate at the same speed they always have. Slow down.
Long-Term Effects
We don’t really know what the long term effects of our children being glued to screens (of one type or another) all day will be. What are the social, moral and intellectual effects? Walk into any toy store and look at the toys available to very young children – they are loud, frenetic and interactive. Very young children are under-going intense neural development where they learn to identify facial expressions and sounds from their caretakers. Anything that interferes with that can cause attachment issues.
Because our children are not allowed to go out and about on their own, they are not gaining problem-solving skills on their own. If they always “call home” to get advice or solve a problem (college kids are an example of this) they will never become self-reliant. Texting your friends quickly about something that has happened to you doesn’t give you time to reflect on the event and “take a minute” to assess the situation. With the advent of texting, an event that occurs to a young adult can be broadcast immediately to 50 people – not giving the individual time to understand and know their own response before receiving input and feedback from others.
“I Can’t Talk to My Daughter As Much As The Culture Does”
Many people feel this way, and Dr. Pipher has some solutions. Families need to protect their children from these issues by:
- delay gratification
- gauge meaning about things to the appropriate developmental level of the child.
- protect and connect kids to what is good
- choose your media as closely as you choose your friends
- anything that connects with slow time is good
- have a definition of wealth
- help distinguish between need and want
- rules are unenforceable without strong relationships; “I love you but I have expectations”
- punishment should enfold not isolate
- teach emotional intelligence and stress reduction skills
- teach appreciation; thank-yous, showing appreciation for others
- teach them to work and to be useful
- teach children conversation skills
- savor family victories
This is a lot to think about and I’m still thinking. If you are interested in learning more, I encourage you to purchase her book. “Shelter” is written with this subject at it’s core.
May 7th, 2009 at 07:24
Wow, a lot to think about.
As a total loner, I often neglect the effect of society on my kids. Or me, for that matter.
May 7th, 2009 at 18:23
I have to admit when my kids were little the last thing I wanted was advise from an older relative. I’m not sure I was built to “let go” that much but I get what she’s saying. And, I personally would congratulate or contribute to “atta boys” to other teens I know…IF I knew them! So, I guess there is a lot of sense to her “anthropological” point of view.
May 7th, 2009 at 21:35
I’m divorced with half-time custody, so already my kids have a different notion of family than many of their friends. As for the communal tribe, I have struggled with the very points you bring up. My son, for instance, plays club lacrosse, but most of the kids on the team go to different schools, so there’s really not much interaction between families. And since the boys wear helmets when they play, we don’t even recognize them when they are out of their gear. I grew up in a small town where all the adults knew all the kids in the activities I did. It was great! And it’s sad my kids don’t have it as good.