Posted by admin on May 31st, 2009 in Communication, Middle School Boys, Parenting, Teen Age Girls

One of the more nerve-racking part of raising teenagers is friends.

That’s because friends are profoundly influential to our kids.    And, sometimes they look and act funny and as a parent you just don’t know what to think.    No longer are WE  the main source of information and influence (although I’d like to think the influence we wield is stronger – forgive me if I’m delusional)  Giving this  some thought, I decided to research the subject and  I put my comments in italics next to the “experts”.  Here are the changes from tween to teen (when it comes to friendships):

• They  spend more time with their peers/in person and online (that would include 1000’s of texts that burn up a cell phone)
• They are  more mobile than when younger so more time is spent with peers without parental supervision (God help me when ALL the friends have a driver’s license, I may just have to be committed)
• Increased contact with opposite-sex peers (It’s good you say?  Yes, you’re right for girls, not so much for boys – see below.  Heck, we don’t have much  control over this any way)
  
• In the early teen years,  small groups of friends or cliques are formed which can help or hurt depending on your child’s association. ( I read this  and all I could think of was the  “Mean Girls” )
  
• Another feature of the teen years is the emergence of crowds. Teens use crowds to figure out who to associate with. Crowds help teens sort peers into groups of people they would like to spend time with and those they wouldn’t. Through crowds and cliques, teens show other people who they are. (OK, this one doesn’t exactly make sense -  what about the huge number of grown men who attend stadium- sporting events?)
  

Friends are Important

We all know that friendships are very important to teens.   There’s no question they learn (and practice) all kinds of social skills by having a rich social life.   Their friends also provide basic companionship in ways  we parents cannot (or will not).  I’m not probably the best person to accompany my daughter/son to a teen dance, that’s what their friends are for.  I’m the one driving, waiting and worrying and asking 100 questions…

Friends also give advice (ok maybe not always the BEST advice)  to one another and I’m sure my son and daughter are completely filled up with my advice (not that I’m going to stop giving it…)  They use their friends to  talk through lots of issues and problems in a very different way than with parents – that’s a good thing.  Sometimes you need a sounding board. Loyal, stable friendships can be very fulfilling for teens.  I truly believe that and I really do try to meet and get to know all my kids friends.  I’m glad to say (so far) I like them all and really glad they are in my kids  lives to provide emotional support and laughter in a special way that parents can never fill.  Hello Lurker Teen Friends:  You Have MY Stamp of Approval..I’m sure you’re thrilled.

Parents as “Friends”

When parenting teens, it often seems easier (and more fun) to forge a close relationship with kids by playing the role of best pal instead of parent. But, while taking the cool route may make us  the” popular parent” , “teenagers don’t want parents who are buddies,” says Marybeth Hicks, author of Bringing up Geeks: How to Protect Your Kid’s Childhood in a Grow-Up-Too-Fast World. “They’ve got plenty of buddies.  They need parents who are parents.  When we step up to the plate and really behave the way we’re supposed to, our kids will treasure and respect us even more.”

Dr. Neil Bernstein, author of “How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble” “That doesn’t mean we can’t EVER be a pal to our teens. That just means there is a certain amount of distance and boundaries necessary for effective parenting.”  He says, “There’s no need to swing 180 degrees in the other direction and play the role of dictator, either.  Bernstein encourages parents to be friendly with their kids, to interact and share activities and ideas. “But the key to [parenting teens] is that certain amount of distance,” he says. “A parent has to clearly be a parent. When those boundaries get obscured, that’s when kids start taking advantage.”

Some parents try too hard to be their kid’s friend and even go so far as to smoke or drink with them, or try to impress them with stories of past drug and alcohol use.

Parenting Pal Behavior

• allowing teens to drink alcohol in your home,
• giving teens permission to hang out at your house, unsupervised
• giving teens permission to hang out at your house while you’re out of town
• or smoking cigarettes or pot with your teen.

.According to psychologists acting like your teen’s “Pal”  by doing some of these things, gives kids harmful, unhealthy messages. Parents should only fill kids in on their own drug or alcohol past if there’s a lesson to be learned from the story. “I think it’s important that we remember our job as parents is to share our wisdom, not necessarily all of our experiences,” say Hicks. While they don’t always show it, teens need and want boundaries.  Yahoo! Setting boundaries…those are the things my teens hate!!

What If You Don’t Like Their Friends?

This implications of this problem are completely different for parents of teens versus parents of younger children.  It used to be that if you didn’t like your kid’s friends, you had some control over it.  Now, not so much.  And, the problem about “hanging out with the other parent” as being the source of the problem, virtually goes away.  Although some would say, parents of teens have TOO LITTLE contact with the parents of their teenager’s friends.  I hear you nodding your heads out there.  This is a big subject so I’m going to end here.  But, I will continue the discussion at a later date as I think there’s lot to discuss.  I’d love to hear what you think.  What is your biggest concern about your teenager’s friends?